What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it out for a drag.
How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
It's the one with bite marks on the cap.
There once was a man from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma,
Now his body lies,
Under the hot desert skies,
For the puma had no sense of huma.
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
What are the last words that a redneck usually says before he dies?
"Hey ya'll. Watch this!"
Don't you just hate it when you go to the doctor, and you're sitting on the examination table telling him about your symptoms, and with each new one you describe, he backs a little further away?
A doctor calls a patient to report on a bone scan and biopsy. The patient is out so the doctor leaves a message to call. As usual, no medical details are left. After a day of telephone tag, the doctor and the patient finally get together on the phone. Says the doctor in a matter of fact voice, "I have good news and bad news. Which will you have first?"
"The good news."
"OK. The reports say that your cancer has metastasized all over and that you have 48 hours to live."
"You call that good news? It must be the bad news. What could possibly be worse?"
"Well, the bad news is that I tried to call you yesterday."